Anticipatory Grief for the dogs we're still living with

_{This article was written in 2019 when our beloved Ezri was still with us.} 

“How old is she?” 

“She’s quite old isn’t she?” 

The same question asked in very different ways. 

The latter is loaded in a way that makes you realise it’s not just you who can see the signs of aging in your dog. Those signs of aging you thought were subtle, are clear to the world. And It’s not just you who is aware of our dogs’ all-too-short expiration date.

It started for me long before the questions I was asked began to change. In fact, since my soul mate dog entered my life at just 8 weeks of age, I think I’ve always been dreading the day she would leave us.

When a puppy is growing, we start by counting their age in weeks. When you get to the point where you can proudly announce that they’re now 6 months old, then months define their age. When they hit that first birthday, you might have a party - celebrating more the fact that you survived puppyhood than the fact that your dog is getting older. But as we start to define our dog’s age in years, suddenly we’re much more aware of time slipping away. 

What do we classify as ‘old’ for a dog? For most of us, we hope our dog goes on past double digits, maybe reaching 12-15 years old (depending on breed), yet we aren't encouraged to expect them to be with us much longer. Australian Cattle Dog, Bluey - the oldest verified dog in history - lived to a grand age of 29 years and 160 days. We can all dream that our dogs will live to such an age as Bluey but, in our hearts, we know that our dogs are with us for too short a time.

When we think about grief, it’s normally about something that happens after we lose someone close to us - whether that be human or hound. But grieving can begin before the time we have to say goodbye. Anticipatory Grief is the anticipation of the loss we are going to experience - when we start to consider the pain we may feel when they leave us or imagine how life may look without that individual in our lives. 

In our relationships with other humans, Anticipatory Grief is normally combined with a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness or perhaps when an elder relative no longer can physically care for themselves. Our lives are so much longer than those of our dogs, that we often don’t think about the death of humans around us until much later on in our time together. But with our dogs, we can get this feeling much earlier on, when effectively they are still young. 

The feelings of Anticipatory Grief can be increased when we hear a diagnosis of a terminal illness, or we start to see our dogs tripping, finding it hard to get up, their health declining. It is also that much harder when it comes to our dogs as we fear that time that we may need to make the decision for them to leave this world. We pray they’ll take that decision from us and die peacefully in their sleep, or to give us that look that we just know means “I’m done” - yet we’re often left with the cruel decision to make when the time comes and quality of life is no longer there. 

Anticipatory Grief shows itself in many ways. You may feel fearful, anxious, angry, or be tearful. You might also feel guilty - questioning whether you are keeping your dog with you for your own emotional needs rather than making the heatbreaking choice for them to go. The anticipation of grief might not just be centered around your own emotions - you might also fear for how a child or companion might cope once your dog is gone. Especially if that dog provides some level of emotional support for them. Or if you live alone with your dog, you might panic about the potential loneliness that may hit you when they eventually go. 

As our dogs age, we also lose some of the experiences we enjoyed sharing together. The long walks you once took, might now become a short stroll around the block. They might stop bringing you a favourite toy after dinner for your evening play session. Or when you get home from work, they might not leap off the sofa to greet you. Anticipatory Grief is not about death. It is grief for the slow and steady losses that appear as age or illness take hold. 

Unfortunately, having feelings related to Anticipatory Grief won’t necessarily make the ‘true’ grief easier once our dog has departed. But it can help you adjust, plan and be prepared, in a way that you wouldn’t have if they were suddenly snatched from you.

Being able to plan allows us to set up support for any other dogs living in a multi-dog household. Dogs living alongside each other can suffer hugely when they lose a companion. They might also be suffering as the relationship they have with each other changes - as play sessions reduce or as their companion no longer wants to share the same bed. They can’t see what’s coming. They don’t understand that their friend might leave soon. But we can set them up to feel less stressed for when the time comes, by ensuring they’re happy spending time as a solo dog - whether that be at home or out on walks. 

Not everyone around you will understand the grief you may feel. Not everyone has been lucky enough to have the connection you have had with the most wonderful of beings - your dog. To some, they are “just a dog” and grief is only saved for human companions. Choose the right people to talk about your emotions with, to ensure you have an empathetic ear. 

If you feel the pain of Anticipatory Grief, try to focus your efforts on things that will make you both enjoy the time you have left together (whether it be days or years). Celebrate the age your dog is now. If they’re eleven and three quarters, they’re still eleven. Don’t put them forward a year by saying they’re “nearly twelve”. Take photos. Journal and keep track of the little things they do to make you smile every day. If the things you used to love to do together aren’t possible anymore - make new experiences. Engage more on short walks - giving them small highlights by hiding cheese in the grass for them to sniff or surprising them with their favourite toy to carry home. When you get in from work and they no longer rush towards you, go to them - give your dog a gentle massage, thanking them for all those years they enthusiastically greeted you at the door. 

While you may be suffering from the ‘what next’ - your dog only knows your love for them. Try and keep other emotions in check and shower them with all the love you can. 

Some find it helpful to create a Bucket List for their dog - to put together all their favourite activities, foods, or any new experiences that you’ve yet to try. Creating a list of positive things you can do together, allows you to focus on something good - not sad - every day. What new piece of food will they enjoy? Where will you travel together? Who would they most love to see - a favourite dog or human friend? 

But do make sure you don’t ignore the obvious. Although Anticipatory Grief is a normal emotion - dwelling on it can prevent you from making the right decision when the time arrives. I was once told by a vet that the way to make the right decision for your sick or elderly dog is to make a list of their 3 most favourite things. Perhaps it’s eating, barking at pigeons in the garden, and going to the beach for a walk. When they either cannot do two out of three of these things, or no longer seem to have any enjoyment of them, then perhaps that is the right time to say goodbye. 

Take comfort in the fact that our dogs don’t understand that their life is so short. As far as we know, they also have no understanding of impending death. They, therefore, cannot fear it. They live and love from the day they’re born until the day they leave us. We can help our dogs to enjoy every single one of those days. To help them feel loved, safe and content.

And please, when you meet someone out walking alongside their furry friend - ask not what age their dog is but instead inquire as to their personality, their name, or comment on how friendly they are. No-one needs a reminder that these most wonderful of beings share their lives with us for such a short time.